Zim, the Hideous New Boy
by cracknovelist
Summary: Tak is a failed Invader, Gaz will stop at nothing to reveal her alien identity and Dib honestly does not care. Will their whole world turn upside down by the arrival of a weird new student who calls himself Zim? AU/role-reversal, cartoon.


an AU/role reversal story involving zim, tak, dib and gaz, which means this will feature a COMPETENT ZIM and an OBLIVIOUS TAK, an INDIFFERENT DIB and an OBSESSIVE GAZ.

edit: (10/11/15) line breaks and annoying little grammar mistakes

* * *

 _It was a hideous morning_.

Yes, she shouldn't be surprised, it was like this every time the Earth's star rose from the east. From the darkness that would envelope that cesspool of a city, stinky smelly Earth-pigs would resurrect from a temporary death-like state and awaken, fully recharged, to begin the day anew.

 _How primitive_.

But she had to keep up appearances, like a highly trained Invader should, which meant she had to yawn and stretch her way to school as if she just risen from a good night's sleep. Humans were often lethargic at this hour, and this sort of morning ritual meant that she was, well, human. She has everyone fooled, no doubt about that. With her blue wig hiding a pair of antennas and contacts giving her very human sclera over her all around dark violet eyes, she blended in perfectly. Of course, we are also ignoring the fact that she had green skin, no nose and purple teeth. But the humans were decently stupid, one claim of an unknown skin condition and they would shut up.

 _Most of them_.

Well, see that beastly human sitting in the other side of the classroom, same row as her's? The creepy one. The one with the strange quiff and a skull necklace, always squinting, looking like he has all seeing eyes, judging your very being. That's Dib. Dib knows she's not quite human but never expressed it as so. He doesn't care, in fact, he doesn't care much about anything other than that inferior game console he always sneaks into class... and pizza. He likes pizza.

 _His sister, however_ …

She's not in this class, she's one academic class lower than Dib, but she's easily recognizable. If you miss her purple hair, then you'll know by the large, round eyeglasses that sit awkwardly on her face. If not that, then her long black coat she wears over everything should be the dead giveaway. Still can't spot her? Well, I guess you are pretty stupid like the rest.

Her name is Gaz and her annoying persistence will often get in the way of her plans to conquer Earth for the great Irken Empire, which are not too brilliant to start with, but from it grew a rivalry that will be talked about for millennia to come…

* * *

Tak, the normal human girl, sat quietly up front, awaiting the next lesson from her all too spooky teacher, Ms Bitters. However, the old serpentine woman was on the class phone, seeming deeply disturbed.

"NYHOOOO!" she yelled in her harsh, ripping tone. She slammed in the receiver on its holder, sending the ancient contraption into a trap door on her metallic desk.

"Despite my moral outrage," she hissed at the children. "The school principle is allowing you to celebrate Valentine's Day this year,"

Tak's beating organ nearly jumped out of her mouth at the sound of the children making a sudden joyous uproar in the room. They jumped out of their desks, hooted like monkeys and punched each other on the face.

On the other side of the classroom, Dib pulled out his video game from his pants pocket and began pressing away through his favorite source of diversion, paying no heed to the chaos taking place in front of him.

"Go ahead and pass out your Valentine meat slabs," Ms Bitters remarked. "It's traditional,"

Tak stared wide-eyed at the sight of the children reaching for their iceboxes and pulling out their choice meats to share. She no idea how the meat had anything to do with the human concept of love, but she had no interest in learning.

"I must have forgotten today was Valentine's," Tak muttered nervously, observing a boy give a heart shaped sirloin to another girl. "I left all my meats at home,"

A girl walked by her desk, offering her a plate of different hams. Tak winced as she flipped the platter over and away from her, sending the meat flying and landing on the poor girl in a slimy mess.

"Get those putrid things away from me!" she screamed.

The phone on Ms Bitters' desk rang again and with a stern look she answered.

"Ugh!" she scoffed harshly. "Another one?"

The receiver was slammed again.

"To celebrate overcrowding in schools," Ms Bitters began to announce. "A new student will be joining the class,"

In all sincerity, the children would not have cared, that is until they noticed an odd-looking jet landing noisily outside their window.

The exterior of the jet was dark grey in color and on the sides a hastily painted company logo shone brightly. It read: Delishus Weenie. Tak had to admit, it perplexed her. Even Dib took a brief moment to look outside.

The jet came into a standstill, hovering right above the grass in front of the window of Ms Bitter's classroom. Tak could see it clearly now, it was a jet unlike any other human craft she's seen before.

From the noisy blowing jet a dog swiftly appeared from the side entrance, it's piercing red eyes scanning the area before him. The dog itself was unusual. His form resembled that of a jackal, a rather tall slender jackal with greenish fur. His strong pointed snout trailed along the grass, sniffing one area before gracefully rushing forward, vanishing for a moment and reappearing again in another area. He stopped right in front of the school window, gazing intently at Dib, who only huffed in bitter indifference.

The dog turned his head around, facing the jet and giving one shrill bark before disappearing for the final time.

The jet pulled away, leaving all others in a confused state.

A flash of light pierced through the classroom from the open wooden door. The children stared into the silent room blankly, all except for Tak and Dib, who first noticed a young boy of smallish stature appear at the door. There was a chilling ambiance about him, following him in each step he took into the room.

He was a strange boy, wearing dark clothing and a leather knapsack. His pale complexion surrounded a pair of dark violet eyes. Hair was styled into a smooth black pompadour that gave off a purplish gleam in the fluorescent lighting. His cheeks spread wide in an all too eager smile.

"My name is ZIM!" he shouted, punching his fists in the air. He quickly composed himself. "I'm new,"

"Hi Zim," the other students answered, a bit dazed.

"My mother owns the Delishus Weenie Cooperation," Zim proudly announced. "Which is why I brought stink wieners for everyone!" He laughed maniacally, throwing pink sickly sausages into the air from his knapsack.

The students responded eagerly. They practically threw themselves onto the floor in hopes of obtaining the biggest bunch. The classroom soon turned into a pandemonium of children, squealing and squirming like crazed piglets, jumping up and down with precooked meat in their hands. Their overstuffed cheeks and greasy fingers were a telltale sign that they were satisfied and Zim was immediately accepted as one of their own.

Zim took to stand on the teacher's desk, taking from his side a crumpled piece of paper.

Tak noticed a wicked smile that crept up silently on his face.

"As for this one!" the pallor boy exclaimed, pointing towards Tak. "I have a poem!"

The classroom went dead silent.

"Ooo!" a girl called from the back. "Tak's got a boyfriend!"

Zim's neck began to strain in complete annoyance. "SI- _lence_!" he cried, enunciating each syllable in a peculiar way. "You! Smelly pig-girl!"

"Who me?" the girl who dared to speak up answered.

"Yeah you," the strange boy continued, giving her an odd flashing glare. "The one whose parents are actually half-monkey and are on a riverboat to Cairo in search for the last goblet of hot weenie water. Now be gone with you!"

The girl gave a blank terrified look before scrunching up her face in utter disbelief. "No wait!" she teared up as she made her way towards the classroom door. "Mommy! Daddy! Don't leave without me!"

"Pft! Loser," Dib muttered to himself, not prying a single glance from his video game.

"Now where was I?" Zim turned his attention towards Tak. "Ah yes! Ahem!" He held up his scrunched up paper and began to read out loud.

" _For the longest, I have searched_

 _For a weird, odd girl like you._

 _Whose green skin and purple eyes_

 _Turn my insides into goo._

 _Some girl who I can take into my rocket ship and fly,_

 _And see that I am_ SURPERIOR AND BETTER THAN YOU!"

His eyes bulged out in the most unnatural way. "Into the abysmal skies," he finished, folding his arms in a smug manner.

Tak blinked.

"Thank you Zim," Ms Bitters hissed. "That was disgustingly inspiring, now go take a seat in the front. The one that always seem to be empty no matter how many oblivious souls I place there,"

The boy named Zim complied, hopping down from the desk, and marching quietly to the assigned seat, two desks down from Tak's.

He stopped in front of Tak, his crooked smile revealing sharp purple teeth.

"Pst! Hey," he hoarsely whispered, leaning in with confident poise.

Tak looked up and down, deciding whether or not she had the mind to exterminate him in front of the entire class. There was something oddly familiar about the boy that sent the inner workings of her PAK whirring.

He raised one arm, a giant slab of barbequed meat firmly grasped.

"Think fast!"

Tak's entire world blacked out. She couldn't remember what happened next but all she felt was pain.

Burning, stinging, pain.

* * *

"My Tallest!" Tak nearly whimpered. "I apologize for my shameful rugged state. I certainly mean no disrespect,"

The pair of Tallest looked on from the screen with bored uninterested expressions, yet both had their reasons to pay heed.

"There is a new human male beast who means to torment me," Tak said with clenched fists at her side. "I suspect he is harboring intimate feelings for me,"

It took all the willpower for the Tallest to hold in their laughter.

"However," Tak continued, marching about in her lair. "He might render useful for my mission. I will follow along with his petty little love game until I have enough information to understand human affection, which I have learned develops on the female response to the male's advances. Then, when I do, I will use it against him and destroy the rest of the world!"

She stood triumphantly in the middle of the communications room, soft whirring of the working surrounding technology was the only sound that filled the site.

Purple coughed.

"Look, we are going to have to cut you off," Red spoke with mild irritation in his voice. "We have another call coming through,"

"But wait!" Tak cried out. "My… Tallest?"

The transmission was immediately disconnected.

"I'm sure they must busy," Tak wondered out loud. "Either way, I must prepare myself for tomorrow's extensive mission. Computer!"

"Ugh, what?" the computer's disembodied voice replied.

"Direct me to that earthen website," Tak ordered. "You know, the one Mimi likes with different human-stinks making shallow commentaries over trivial earthling things and shooting simulations,"

* * *

"Hey look!" Purple pointed at the blinking screen, capturing Red's attention. "We do have another call!"

The tech-elites on board accepted the oncoming transmission, allowing the dispatcher appear in their communications monitor.

His crimson eyes bled through the plasma screen as a silent snarl crept up on his face.

"Ah _Invader Zim_ ," Red greeted, subconsciously straightening his posture. "We were awaiting your call. How are things at Planet G'way?"

The Invader gave a slight scoff. "Oh, this is more than a mere progress report," the Irken caller answered. "Though I can assure you that the G'wanians who still have possession of their mouths will be speaking fluent Irken from now on, heh. I have a proposal at hand which I'm sure my Tallests cannot refuse… it involves snacks,"

"We're listening," Purple replied.

* * *

For once, in what seems to be like a long time, Gaz was genuinely happy. Ecstatic even. One moment she was on a crazed search to locate this new boy everyone else was talking about, even confronting her older brother to ask about him, the next, after a few threats and dark promises, she was settled right next to him on a brick wall, far away on campus, far away from people. She nearly squealed when she found out how much they had in common.

"This is so weird," Gaz smiled. "Usually, it's hard for me to find someone who is as interested in the paranormal studies as I am. Even harder still to find someone who'd actually listen to me talk about it,"

She happily took a bite of her sandwich, too blissful to notice that Zim wasn't touching any of his food. Yet something did catch her attention, it was that green smudge in the corner of her eye that would seemed to never go away. It made the piece of sandwich in her stomach rush back into her throat. Her mouth curled into an all too familiar sneer.

 _Tak_ came along, and ruined everything.

Gaz was immediately caught off guard by a swift, forceful push which sent her toppling into the thorny bushes behind her, baloney sandwich and all.

Tak took her place standing in front of the strange human boy who seemed unbothered by the sudden turn of events.

"Look," Tak began in a bored, rehearsed tone. "I am very flattered that you took an interest in me. And since I acknowledged your pathetic human existence, I now grant you the permission to ' _take me out_ ',"

Zim glanced at her nonchalantly with reserved expression.

"Aren't you going to ask me something?" Tak inquired, crossing her arms impatiently. "Bring me flowers, sing a sweet song? Get down in one knee and give me a doughnut ring?"

Zim held firm with the same demeanor.

Tak's brow ridges furrowed in annoyance. "You lame brained human monkey who cannot- ARGH!"

She was soon doused by a stream of bottled Poop!BBQ sauce. The instant the smelly liquid touched her skin, Tak reacted strongly.

Zim threw the now-empty sauce bottle aside and watched as the poor girl burned on the asphalt.

He stood up from his place, unaffected by the scene. "Perhaps little Gaz isn't insane after all," Zim mused aloud. "Perhaps you really are some strange alien from outer space,"

"I am not!" Tak cried, picking herself up on wobbling legs, steam rising from the top of her head. "Don't even listen to that ugly little weasel whose hair is so poorly dyed!"

"Hey!" Gaz yelled from the bottom of the bush. "This is my natural hair color!"

Zim looked down at Tak, unamused.

"Well, it's rather obvious that you have been stupefied by my feminine charms!" Tak growled, still dripping in BBQ sauce as she reached out to pick the boy from the ledge, standing him on the ground. "So be the perfect mate as nature demands it to be! Let our hideous courtship begin!"

And for the first time, Zim broke his casual demeanor by giving a hearty chuckle, pointing a finger at her, laughing at her sorry state. Tak looked down, taking in her appearance before agreeing in the same manner. They laughed brashly and rather obnoxiously. It can be said, that for one sacred moment, they enjoyed each other's company. That is, until Zim grabbed hold of a nearby trashcan and dumped all of its rotten contents on her.

* * *

Tak knew certain things female humans would do to encourage male affection, since she spent some time researching so-called "chick" flicks with Mimi the night before. This can range from anything such as batting eyelashes to "accidental" nudges, laughing at everything the male says or purposely put one's self in distress. In Tak's perspective, this whole procedure would sum up to playing stupid. But it seems to get results, and movies of real human life couldn't be wrong.

Unfortunately, Tak had been finding it rather hard to properly "respond" to Zim's advances, for a gentle brush of her claws against his hand was immediately followed by a douse of Poop!BBQ sauce.

A peck on the cheek, and she was stuffed into a nearby locker.

A small gift of a purple icing cupcake, and she ended up in the school dumpster.

A folded piece of paper with a hastily drawn angry hearts and a lame doodle that barely resembled Tak and Zim that read: "Mr and Mrs Whatever-your-last-name-is" and a paper airplane flew into her wig, resulting in a small yet powerful explosion to go off.

A random airborne drone shot at her, sprinklers turned on scald her, a pack of rabid Chihuahuas viciously nipped her for 30 blocks down from school. She was literally beaten, blinded and burned by love.

How she hated it.

Tak marched home with injured pride, scorched from head to toe.

Steam whose rancid smell she grew accustomed to, settled around her bitten, bruised, and swollen body. This love game was admittedly too much for her.

"Mew!" Tak's SIR unit greeted, her metallic body wrapped in dirty matted dark fabric of a poorly made cat costume.

"Mimi I'm beginning to realize that perhaps this Zim-beast is more of a nuisance than anything," Tak murmured pitifully, scratching a strange rash on her buttocks. "I have learned absolutely nothing from him, other than the fact that human affection is utterly useless and that kisses burn,"

"Mew, mew, mew!" Mimi continued as she pawed a paper-wrapped burrito on the shag carpet.

"Oh Mimi not right now!" Tak whined. "You are getting that disgusting meat grease all over the floor!"

"Mew?" Mimi sat up on her paws, burrito forgotten.

Tak looked at her quizzically. "You know when we are safe in our base you can stop pretending that you are a cat,"

"Mew! Mew!" Mimi agreed and continued to paw her day-old treat.

She was going to open her mouth in protest when she heard the front doorbell ring.

Tak allowed herself a moment's confusion before getting into full elite mode and making herself presentable for the human eye. She looked back towards her SIR unit.

"Mimi!" She hoarsely whispered.

Mimi looked up, tongue sticking out in midair. She had been cleaning herself between her legs.

"Just…" Tak hesitated. "Continue whatever that is you're doing,"

She pulled out a thin tablet from the door frame. At the touch of the screen, the door became transparent, unbeknownst to the person standing on the other side.

Tak frowned at the sight of her visitor. It was Zim and with him his red-eyed green dog.

 _Perfect timing_ , she thought to herself as she quit the door transparency. She opened the door to give him the warmest unwelcome.

"Ah yes, isn't it my beloved," she sneered. "Or should I say _ex_ iled-beloved! I no longer deem you worthy of my presence, you must leave now and never return! And see other people I suppose,"

"How pathetic," he scoffed as he crossed his arms.

"You dare call me pathetic? Inferior stink-human!" Tak exclaimed, genuinely offended. "Why, I can obliterate your existence with my fist if I wanted too!"

Zim didn't blink an eye to her well intentioned threat. Instead he started snickering, as if amused, which quickly grew into outward display of insane mirth. His loud cackling brought chills down her spine, which usually meant that Tak is receiving important external information directly to her PAK, but for some reason something didn't read properly, so she stood there confused. That is until her "ex-boyfriend" and his dog started to glitch.

Tak's brow ridge furrowed until she took a step back in shock at the distorted sight of blood red eyes, greenish skin and a nasty smile that revealed a wicked soul.

"You're Irken!" Tak pointed at him accusingly.

"Foolish little Tak," he began in a vicious tone. "You are more oblivious than I ever thought possible,"

Tak looked to where his dog once stood graceful and tall, instead a red-eyed SIR unit was in its place, poised and ready for any command.

"You're an Invader," she observed.

"Still don't remember?" Zim began, marching into her home. "I was the top of my class back in the Underground in Planet Irk. I was excelling in everything, surpassing every high score in the academy! But then _yew_! Oh you! You dared to match _me_! Everything I did in combat, piloting, bio-tech engineering, you always managed to be as good as me… erm, well, not as good, but, you know, good enough."

"I was going to accept you a fair competitor, but then word got out that you are nothing but a _defect_! I could not let _you_ outrank _me_! Because of you I looked like a _fool_! But never you mind that, I became completely engrossed in becoming an elite soldier and should the need arise, a full-fledged Invader. I worked hard to get into the Great Assigning, but when I come back from successfully infiltrating and conquering a flagged planet, I hear that you were given a secret mission directly from the Tallest! I was the top of the class, this mission should have been _mine_!"

Tak frowned, but then relaxed her stance. "Invader Zim?" she began to recall, her PAK whirring feverishly behind her. "I do remember you. You were the small, yelling one, yes. It wasn't my fault though that the Tallest picked me over you,"

"You think this is some kind of jealous _scheme-y_?" Zim yelled, taking one step forward in attempt to loom over her, but in his short stature he failed miserably. "I'm just trying to take back what's rightfully mine! And when I do go home and the Tallest see that I have conquered not one but two planets, oh the glorious Zim shall be… _glorious_!"

"No!" Tak protested, fist curling at her sides. "This is my planet to destroy! You've already completed your assignment! Get over your pretentious self and go home!"

Zim's SIR unit silently faded from view. Tak's antennae twitched as she sensed a sudden eerie stillness about her. To her horror, she found that her base was undergoing total shutdown.

 _Nyhooo!_

Loud, freakish laughter echoed around the house, her advanced technology now a heap of useless metal.

"Try and stop me little Tak!" Zim bellowed. "Because after tonight, you'll be wishing you never existed,"

Zim sneered straight into her artificially created being, blasting a whole through her base using his PAK and rising above her amongst the rubble, before vanishing completely from view.

His SIR unit followed faithfully behind, but not before swooping in to disarm Mimi. Her robotic head fell down to the floor with a loud clunk!

ZZZIIIIIIIIIMMM!

* * *

note: and i'll think i'll stop there. obviously this wasn't a complete "copy, paste and replace," but for those instances, all credit goes where its due. this was written by an IZ fan for IZ fans. glad you read and i hope you enjoyed. honest reviews are always welcome, constructive critiques a plus! any mistakes or confusions or misinterpretations about anything, please notify me, cheers!

this short fic was written in preparation of a larger, more "epicy" fic that is currently in the works. hopefully this was good practice.

unnecessary note: i'm back from the dead. erica if you read this... hi!

added note: if interested, check out "misterintoxicated07" IZ artwork on tumblr. the blog partly inspired me to write this fic.


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